A lil old lady

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.  Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.’

‘Oh, really?  Darn!’ says the little old lady.  ‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them.  Thanks for telling me…’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop.  ‘How did you get all that money?’ ‘You didn’t steal it, did you?’  ‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady.  ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.  So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.  Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes.’

‘Well, that seems only fair.’ laughs the cop.  OK?  Good luck!  Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’

 ’Well, you know’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

 Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the Kings chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queens bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queens large and magnificent breasts. The Queens itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. 
 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the Kings underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

Gotta love bacon.